Month: March 2017

“..when you are done with therapy..”

justourfirstworldproblems1 Comment

Today I glanced into the future, felt sadness pulling, formed a reply and quickly ducked back out, leaving unknowns to simmer until they rise again into the here and now.  Life is busy rolling daily by. Four kids, two dogs who escape when the roofers don’t latch the gate, new gymnastics skills to practice on the bed and over the couch, cleaning and laundry and errands…  And this morning it all stopped for an instant, for a comment meant to be helpful, from a sister to a brother.

A little brother who mentioned learning to crochet – like one older sister knows how and the other plans to learn.  A little boy who hopes to be included in any activity and doesn’t yet recognize that sometimes that may be more difficult for him than for others.  The encouraging sister replied, “Maybe when you’re older bud, or at least when you are done with therapy so your hands don’t shake anymore.” And my heart sank.  The future, that unknown, had sifted through, if ever so briefly.  I needed a reply, truthful, yet filled with hope rather than discouragement, but not hiding behind what might not be.

I struggled as so many different thoughts crammed in, grasped for words as that sweet face processed what he had just been thrown.  And the older one moved on, not realizing the potential anguish she had just glanced upon.  Because “done with therapy” and “hands don’t shake anymore” may never come to pass.  Because that is the one bothersome detail that they don’t really work on at therapy.  Because they can’t, really.  They can try to help accommodate by teaching strategies to accomplish a certain fine motor task or offering the use of wrist weights to help steady hands for a short time.  They can work on balance and pincer grasp and keeping your tongue behind your teeth when speaking (Always behind the teeth – except for ‘th’!).  But, resolving shaky hands is not one of his goals.  I hadn’t realized that his sisters (and maybe he?) expected that would improve.

Just as I didn’t know they were expecting a point in time when therapy is “done”.  That day may yet come. Or maybe not.  Therapy is just something we do. Like other families do volleyball or Boy Scouts. When it all began, just before he turned 1 year old, all the professionals spoke as though he only needed a little extra help meeting mile stones and would be caught up in six months.  Then another six months.  After a couple years I noted with a falling heart when the wording changed before therapy breaks from “if he needs to come back” to “when he comes back…”.  That night I cried as my husband tried to understand why I was upset. (He’s the same as he was yesterday. You are crying because somebody used different words?)  Now we have been at the “new” therapy place over a year. The longest we have gone without taking a break.  No matter how I ask, the therapists won’t give their expectation or guess on his progress and length of time for treatment.  I recognize they can’t. They don’t know.  None of us know.

And for the most part it doesn’t matter.  He likes going to therapy. I like his therapists.  Two and a half hours a week is not a big deal.  It hasn’t always been a smooth ride, but he has made some great progress because of therapy.  I am thankful for the place he now attends (along with two of his sisters).  When will we be done is not something that rises to the top often as we roll through each day.  Many people would meet him and not even recognize that he has any special needs.  I am thankful his issues are mild while knowing many parents whose kids attend his therapy center can’t say the same.

But, today I looked up from ‘now’ and glanced ahead.  I saw that each year he grows older he may more often encounter times when someone discourages him from doing or trying something that might be extra challenging for him.  There will be more times when he might feel different or left out or frustrated.  I saw that as his parents we will have to purpose to encourage him to do anything he wants to try (that is appropriate for his age), even if it might be tricky or slow or hard for us to watch those shaky hands that knock down the pieces when they mean to set them up.  And I felt sadness pushing in.

I know God holds me, and he holds my son. He holds my sadness.  He alone knows what that future looks like.  And He created my child. He created him perfectly, and He gave him to us.  I can rest in that. So I glanced back away from the future and back into the four pairs of eyes surrounding me at the table.  And I took a breath and said, “Well that’s not really something they can work on at therapy. But when you are older you can learn to crochet if you want to.”  And the dogs needed to go out. And children needed to finish eating and get ready for church. And life rolled on.

Psalm 139: 13-14

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

 

You should know: My Kids Take Questions at Face Value

justourfirstworldproblems1 Comment

A note to all teachers, therapists, leaders, friends’ parents, and other adults who interact with my kids.  Their experience in our family has taught them to take questions at face value.  They expect their answer to be given consideration. As I’m sure do you when asked a question.

If you had a lunch date with a friend who asked  “Should we eat at Taco Bell for lunch?” and you answered “No, I don’t want to today” you would be taken aback to hear “Well, let’s go there”.  Wouldn’t it seem kind of rude that it was posed as a question when your answer clearly didn’t matter? If your friend had simply stated, “I’m planning to go to Taco Bell. Would you care to join me?”   That would have better clarified her intent.  As adults we expect when answering a question that our answer will be respected.

But, adults do this to kids all the time.

“Go put your shoes on, ok?”

“Don’t you think you should get ready for bed now?”

“Will you please start picking up?”

“How about we do this next?

They ask a question when they meant to give a direction.  Most think it somehow sounds or is ‘nicer’.   But it isn’t, not really.  It’s not respectful to ask a question when there isn’t really a choice.  Then when the child’s answer doesn’t match up with your intent there’s a problem. This teaches kids that their input doesn’t matter.  And it doesn’t really feel good either.  It just confuses the situation for the child and sets up a lot of battles.  Because the child doesn’t know when their answer counts and when it doesn’t, when they get to talk about it and when they just need to follow directions.

There are lot of times when the child does have a choice when answering a question.

“Do you want to wear the pink dress or the flower dress today?”

“Do you want to go to the park after lunch?”

“Would you like grape jam or strawberry jam on your sandwich?”

“Do you want me to read that book to you?”

You wouldn’t ask those questions if the answer was already decided. If the answer was “grape jam” you wouldn’t respond “Well, everybody gets strawberry.”  How are children to know what to expect when sometimes their answer are valid and sometimes they aren’t taken into account?   Sometimes they get to have a discussion about the issue in question, and sometimes they get in trouble for their answer!   It isn’t respectful to ask a question when you don’t really mean it.

I am so thankful that as young marrieds without any kids we had a great example of this placed right in front of us.  At the home of friends, the mom asked her two year old, “Will you please throw this away for me?” and got a resounding “No!” as he continued past. Not being familiar yet with toddlers, I was not expecting his refusal and felt awkward that she would now have to take time out to make him obey.  But instead, she laughed and said something to the effect of, “Oops, my fault. I asked him!” and continued on with her conversation with us.  Until just a few minutes later he came through the room again, and she said in the same voice as the first time, “Here, go put this in the trash.” To which his cheerful reply was “Ok”, and he complied!  I was astonished.  Total about face.  No battle, no problem. She gave him an instruction, and he obeyed.  When she asked him a question, she respected his answer. Simple.  But, a concept that was totally new to me and has shaped our parenting to this day. We took note of that incident and held onto it tight until we had children and could put it into practice ourselves.

So my kids expect to have input when asked a question.  If you really mean to give them an instruction, then please just direct them what to do.  Don’t pretend they have a choice in the matter when they don’t.  Parents, Sunday school teachers, therapists, babysitters, it’s ok to give directions without tacking a question mark on the end of it.  It’s actually more respectful that way.  That “ok?” on the end of a direction drives me nuts!  I hear it all the time.  It’s easy; you can do this! No question mark needed.

“Go put your shoes on.”

“Get ready for bed now.”

“Please start picking up.”

“We will do this activity next.”

And kids will know what to expect. And they won’t feel steamrolled, because their answer wasn’t given weight.

I have seen my kids confused because they were asked a question but were expected to do differently than their answer.  Please respect them and all kids you work with by making a statement when you mean to give a direction and asking a question when you would like to know their preference.  That’s just respectful.

Thank you.