A therapist who administered a language test to my preschooler was super impressed when he scored way above his age level. She excitedly congratulated me (and him). As if he had achieved something great. Worthy of congratulations. Then I received the same reaction when another child scored several grade levels above her age on a standardized assessment. “Good work.” “That’s awesome.” “Way to go.” Wait a second. I needed to think about these apparently amazing accomplishments of my kids.
This praise just wasn’t ringing true. Exactly what was I being congratulated for? Because I made kids who had an easy time of it with academic pursuits? Really? Because their brains are wired such that memorizing and math and reading come without any striving? These “achievements” took absolutely no work on their part. They hadn’t made any particular effort to get these results. They hadn’t grown in patience or perseverance, hadn’t had to overcome frustration or deal with anything challenging. They were asked to answer a bunch of questions, and they did. Good job for following directions? It appears the reactions of the adults involved were way out of proportion to the effort put forth by the child. Are the results all that matter? If you score high are you the best? If you are born with a brain particularly suited to school learning are you more valuable? Seems to me that was the message unconsciously being delivered.
I don’t want my kids thinking all they have to do is show up and everyone’s impressed. I love when they are recognized for things that really matter. Like sticking with something when it’s hard. Like keeping self control and being respectful. Or obeying cheerfully right away. Being responsible for their own things and their own messes. These things are praise worthy! These are things that bless people around you and bring glory to God.
Can’t we honor the Lord in those areas where he has blessed us with ability? Of course. Everyone has more aptitude in certain skills than others. In our house we talk a lot about how different things are easier or harder for each of us. For some learning is easy, but gymnastics is hard. For others singing on tune and beat is easy but reading is super challenging. For one carrying things without spilling or dropping them is tough but numbers are easy peasy. God created each one different. And that’s more than ok. It’s good. But, the children who are gifted in other areas have never received overwhelming congratulations by impressed adults for violin or gymnastics! This reaction sort of stopped me in my tracks. I smiled without replying at the time but needed to stop and think through what was going on.
What I am gathering from our experiences is that school learning or academics are singled out and highly valued in our society. In a kid’s world, school is their job. And it is important for every single one of them to do their job with diligence and perseverance and respect. But, for some of them not much is required for stellar results. And for others it’s blood, sweat, and tears for what is recognized as average. The emphasis placed on this area of skill is way beyond reasonable. In many cases a child’s feelings of worth and value are built around “success” or “failure” at school since that’s the focus of most of their time and energy each day. This isn’t solid rock we are assigning their futures by. This is shifting sand. It’s all based on comparison to others – where those who have a natural ability always come out on top. Most of the time they need put forth only minimal effort to receive approval and recognition far outstripping the real value of what they have achieved.
I grew up in this false facade of recognition for what comes easily but didn’t recognize it until I saw my children receiving accolades for nothing. I guess I lucked out to naturally excel in the one area that garners the most praise and affirmation for kids. School learning was easy for me and for my siblings and was expected to be so by my university professor parents. Looking back now, I am coming to realize that I probably knew not all the kids got straight ‘A’s but assumed that meant they just hadn’t put forth the effort to do so.
Even as an adult, until parenting children with such differing abilities, I never realized how much work it takes for some to get to where others start out at. I wonder how many parents are out there whose kids all excel at learning the ABCs and counting. If you don’t have any whose brains are wired differently than those unrealized assumptions might be there for you, too. Assuming that children who struggle in school just aren’t trying hard enough or spending enough time on home work. Or they are just trouble makers. Or they don’t have the proper home support. Or they just needed more exposure to books or educational activities as preschoolers. Or their socioeconomic status is impacting their school work. That by fixing these other things you can turn them into whiz kids.
I’m not saying those issues aren’t sometimes part of the struggle or don’t sometimes improve educational outcomes when addressed. I am saying that our family clearly shows that children within the same family environment, income, values, teaching, resources, educational experiences and opportunities can have widely different academic results. Because that’s how they were created with brains wired from birth to excel and struggle in different areas. No matter how hard they work at it or how much support they are given, some children just aren’t going to ever be at the top of academic assessments or evaluations. The point is – that’s OK.
My children that struggle with reading and math and learning in general are putting in such hard work. Regardless of their “scores,” they are doing Good work. They are learning the very hard lessons of working cheerfully at what is tough and no fun, persevering when you are frustrated and feel hopeless, and finally accomplishing something hard and recognizing that you Can do it. And what applause do they get? Not much out in the world. Not at school where their grades aren’t exemplary. Never been “congratulated” by a teacher or therapist for flying through an assessment with no preparation and receiving high scores. Are these children Less because they easily learn cartwheels and violin songs rather than times tables and vocabulary? Are the other ones Better? I don’t know anybody who would say that directly. But, the reality is this is the message a lot of children are getting. And it can impact them for the rest of their lives.
So let’s just try to take a step back and think about what exactly we are praising and affirming kids for. This has been a complete turn around in thinking for me. I am sure that is one reason God placed each of our children into this family. When I see the good things being worked out in the lives of my children who have to struggle so young, I sometimes wish that I had needed to start learning some of these lessons sooner in life – perseverance, self control, diligence – rather than receiving applause for nothing and having to learn the important things as an adult.
Even when you know your foundation is Christ, when you graduate from high school at 16 and college at 19 it’s easy for your identity to be wrapped up in being good at school. The farther away I get from those days, and the farther into parenting I go, the more I see what really matters. The bottom line is (while it seems to matter a lot in this world), academics don’t matter in God’s economy. He doesn’t barter with grades and scores. He deals in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. One area of natural ability shouldn’t be seen as better than any others. We all have things God has designed us to be good at and not so good at.
What does matter is how we use those things. Whether we are developing character qualities that grow us more like Christ. Whether we are serving God’s people and honoring Him with those gifts He gave us, in all things whether easy or hard.
Just Our First World Problems 