Month: May 2018

Most Kids Don’t Need Forever

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The foster parents who have been serving for decades and seen a hundred kids come through their door.  The single mom who has fostered and adopted more kids than most think reasonable for a two parent family.  Those are the foster families we hear about on the news and read about in the paper.  And they definitely deserve the accolades.  Those stories help shine a light on the world of foster care.  They bring it to the forefront of people’s minds for a few days.  Maybe some feel pulled to question whether it’s something they could do.  But, after consideration they realize they could never do that.  They can’t commit to the next 30 years.  They don’t want 12 more kids.  They just can’t do forever.

Guess what – most kids don’t need forever.  You can decide to foster without signing the rest of your life away.  You can do it “just for now”,  or “just for a year”,  or for “however long we last”.  You can say “Yes” or “No” to any placement call, to any age, to any circumstance.  You can call it quits at any time.  Of course it’s better if you don’t jump ship in the middle of a placement. But you can give notice if necessary.  Placements disrupt all the time for a myriad of reasons.

No matter how many children come into your home, you have an impact on each of them. By offering a child a safe place to stay, for whatever period of time, you have changed the world.  Some children need you for a few weeks or months and some longer, and some will need forever.  There is no way to know when a child comes into care what twists and turns that path will take.  Maybe before too long he will move to a relative.  Maybe she will be with you a year while a parent goes through a treatment program.  Maybe he will return home in six months but be back in care a few months after that.  Or maybe after two years parental rights will be terminated and she will need a forever family.  That might be you or it may not be.  Many foster families adopt the children in their care if it comes to that.  But if you don’t feel you are that child’s future, then you aren’t the one to adopt.  A better match can be made.

And therein lies the difficulty – there is no way to know.  You just can’t know how long a child will be with you.  A case worker or placement maker may give you a time frame.  But, they don’t really know.  They can’t.  They don’t know when a missing relative will appear or a bio-dad be identified. They don’t know when a parent will disappear or fail a UI.  They don’t know when a judge will make a totally different call than they recommended or was expected.  You have to do this with an open hand and heart.

It can be galling to be reminded every single day that you are not the one in control.  You are not the one that makes the decisions for these children in your care.  If you have your own children at home as well this difference will be marked.  For some of the kids you decide what is best for them and call every shot, while for others you need permission to cut their hair, let them jump on a trampoline, or go out of town for the weekend.  You have to account to others for their bruises and their belongings.  If you are desperate to add children into your family that stay forever, choosing this path will be tumultuous and without guarantee.  Residing in that emotional state will make it very much more difficult for you.

Yet, for however long they are with you there is that much opportunity to work for good in their lives.  We had a little five year old boy who stayed for only a long weekend.  His first question for me after learning that I “had a man” at my house was “Does he wup kids?”  He learned that Dads do not in fact need to ‘wup’ anyone, and he followed my husband around all weekend.  We had a twelve year old girl for a few days who was amazed that I did not have to go to work but that the Dad did – and he gave me his money!  That he worked and I took care of the kids at home was a revolutionary idea for her who grew up with a single working mom.  We had a preschooler who learned that people go to work to get money to pay the bills.  With parents on disability and welfare that was new territory for him.  He checked in every day – “He went to work? He get money?”  We took kids to the zoo who had never been there.  We took kids to church who didn’t know what that was.

It’s always hard to jump into something not knowing what will happen or how it will turn out.  But you can do it.  In the end none of us is promised any day of our lives in this world anyway.  Let these kids into your life for a season.  You will show them things about the world that they don’t know.  You will help them understand family, and safety, and trust.  And it will be worth it, even if you only do it for awhile, or for one case.  You don’t need to do it forever.

Sometimes in foster care…

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…you are irritated that you have to potty train someone else’s 4 and 1/2 year old, because they didn’t get to it.

…it takes you a moment to remember the name of a kid that lives with you.

…you are so tired you realize you took a shower and forgot to use soap.

…you feel like you will never get to go on a date with your husband again.

…your 5 year old is instantly the third youngest instead of the baby. Wait, now make that the fourth youngest.

…you are suddenly in need of babysitters, because these kids can’t be left with your teenager.

…you realize after arriving at your children’s choir concert that your son has on suit pants 2 inches too short and is wearing mismatched black dress shoes. And you think “Oh well, they are lucky they got here at all.”

…you now have 7 twin beds instead of 3. So with 8 twin sheet sets, you are out of luck if 2 kids puke or wet their sheets on the same night.

…you aren’t told the toddlers living with you have recently been in the hospital for 2 weeks.

…the case worker makes a poor decision for a child that results in a later move.

…you don’t know a child is allergic to blueberries before you give her a fruit cup.

…you learn more from the therapist and showing up at court than you do from the case worker.

…you have to take 2 vehicles if everyone in the family needs to be at the same place at the same time.

…you are so tired of having cranky kids because the new ones wake yours up early every morning.

…you don’t know who they mean when they are crying for “Mommy” or “Daddy” since they call all four of you by those names.

Mamas It’s OK To Make It Easier!

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Really, if daily life with your little treasures leaves you counting down until bedtime as soon as you get up, and one more trip to the store will send you to the crazy bin (or at least to the bathroom to eat your secret chocolate stash), then make it easier!  Raising your expectations will actually be better for those little people anyway.  I promise.

If you dread going to the store so much that you are considering just leaving catalogs in the bathroom when the toilet paper runs out, there is another option besides listening to “Can we get this?” a million times and the resulting whining and fussing when you answer in the negative.  Lovingly set a new expectation for your crew before the next grocery run.  Their expectation should be that nobody will get anything other than the things Mommy came to the store to get and your expectation that nobody will ask for anything. So have a discussion at the age level of your kiddos.  Explain that supplying the house and the people in it with the things they need within your means is part of your job, and you want to do it well and cheerfully.  It’s difficult to do that when you are continually distracted by children asking for things, and it’s no fun for you or them to have to say and hear “No” over and over.  It’s not really very polite or respectful to be asking for things. It’s a selfish focus. You want it to be a good time together for everyone, taking care of what needs to get done.  Of course, everyone can comment on things they see.

“Ooh, that looks neat Mommy.” “Yes, it does look like fun.”

“Look at that stuffed frog! I’ve been hoping to find a stuffed frog.” “He is cute. Maybe you will get one for your birthday.”

“This would go really well with my new skirt.” “You’re right, but it costs too much. Maybe we’ll see something like that for less. I’ll try to remember you are needing a top for that outfit and keep an eye out.”

Of course, sometimes you see something on sale or something you weren’t planning to get but which you are willing to purchase.  Then ask your child if they are interested in it or would like to get it!

“I see M&Ms are on sale. Would you guys like to get a bag to share when we get back to the van?”

With this expectation that children not ask for things at the store, most of your communication and interaction with them becomes positive!  They don’t expect anything, but occasionally they do get something new or a special treat you offer.  You are able to enjoy errand time spent with your little ones instead of pulling your hair out.  Plus you are training them in appropriate communication and social interaction.  Everything we teach our children is with the recognition that what we are actually doing is growing adults.

It might seem like a big struggle to implement this new expectation.  You just can’t imagine that your greedy little darlings will go for it.  It usually is hard initially to get things rolling in a different direction than the one already begun.  But, it won’t be as hard or take as long as you might think.  Especially if you have a conversation about it first, laying out the reasons and objectives at the age level of your kids rather than just making a new rule.  Sometimes they might forget and need a reminder that “It’s not very polite to ask for things at the store” or “It’s hard for Mommy to get her work done when you are asking for things”.  And initially, especially with young ones, you may have a lot of opportunities to model different things they could say instead. But, eventually they will get it – even toddlers and preschoolers!  And you will find that a lot of the time they just want you to acknowledge what they see that looks fun. “Look at that Mommy” easily replaces “Can I get that Mommy?” and avoids fussing and disappointment.  Your goal is building character in your kids, not just making rules. This sort of expectation for time in a store builds self-control and respect.

Setting higher expectations for your kids isn’t taking the easy way out.  It’s definitely not something you do just because it’s easier for you if grocery trips are more efficient. It does make your daily jobs smoother and more fun, but it’s a road that develops a stronger and more enjoyable relationship with your kids while better preparing them for life.  So, go ahead. Raise the bar.

 

 

Why My Kids Don’t Have To Share

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I saw it again.  A well meaning parent. Two children. One wanted what the other one had. Grabbed for it. And the correction came for both of them. “You need to use words and ask nicely.”  “You need to share with your sister.”  It sounds good. But, that’s not the way the world works.

I gave up on “sharing” a long time ago.  I don’t set timers. My kid don’t take turns. I don’t have time to umpire that.  I’m busy. And I’d rather my children learned to be content instead.  To build patience, to be full of thought for others. Rather than learning that whatever they want, they can have – if they only ask for it or wait a few minutes.

Adults don’t get to have whatever they want that they can see.  I don’t want my kids to think that’s ok.  After all we are raising them into adults aren’t we? Isn’t that the end goal?  It happens no matter how well we prepare them for it.  The world is full of adults who covet what others have, who compare themselves, and strive for those things.  I’m aiming for different for my children.

Our instruction from God is not to covet. So important – it’s in His commandments. We need to teach this to our children.  Your friend, or brother, or sister, or the kid at the mall play place does not need to give you a turn with whatever he is playing with just because you want it.  Instead of telling a child who is playing with something that she needs to share, I tell the child with the covetous heart “Someone else is using that right now.”  That child doesn’t need to cut short his interest or activity in something, because someone else came along and desired it as well.  The second child can find something else to do; there are a million available toys and activities to choose from.  I promise there will come a time when the coveted toy will be available.  But he doesn’t need to hang around counting the minutes until that child is done, and I don’t need to set a timer or arbitrate how much time is enough.  Teach children to be content with their available choices.  You can not have what is in the possession of someone else.

If I love my friend’s new shoes, she doesn’t have to give them to me when she’s done wearing them.  If I think my neighbor’s new grill is really cool, we don’t have to take turns using it.  But, so many parents are stuck in “share and take turns”.  Let’s raise the standard and ask more of our kids.  I like to get to the heart of the matter.  But, what about the heart of the kid who has the something the others want?  Well, many times when kids have the choice rather than being forced, they choose to be thoughtful and are sooner “done” with that item someone else is hoping to see.  We aren’t teaching them to be selfish but over and over again in many different ways to be generous, thoughtful, and respectful of others.

This emanates from other principles we teach. One is that we don’t leave anyone out. There is almost always a way to include others in what you are doing or playing.  They can watch. You could offer to help them find another one to use. You can play together.  There are actually very few times where only 1 child can actually play something. For instance you can’t play with the legos your brother is working with, but you can play with the other legos next to him. You can’t play with the baby doll your sister is taking care of right now, but you can find another baby doll and play with the babies together.  You can’t hold the book someone else is reading right now, but maybe you could sit next to him and look at the pictures or ask if he would read it out loud to you.  The answer might be “No”, but you can ask.  We do our best to instill that if someone wants to be included in what you are playing then you find a way. We don’t accept claims that one child is playing with the entire tub of barbies or every lego in the bucket.

But for those times when a child is playing with something that truly is a one person item or activity, we respect that child by not requiring her to hand it over in five minutes because someone else wants it.

And for goodness sakes, if my toddler or preschooler comes over wanting to play with something your child is engaged with, please don’t tell your child to hand it over! I know you want to be seen as a “good parent” who teaches your child to share.  But, I want my children to learn contentment rather than entitlement.

“You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. You shall not set your desire on your neighbor’s house or land, his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” Deuteronomy

“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” Philippians