I saw it again. A well meaning parent. Two children. One wanted what the other one had. Grabbed for it. And the correction came for both of them. “You need to use words and ask nicely.” “You need to share with your sister.” It sounds good. But, that’s not the way the world works.
I gave up on “sharing” a long time ago. I don’t set timers. My kid don’t take turns. I don’t have time to umpire that. I’m busy. And I’d rather my children learned to be content instead. To build patience, to be full of thought for others. Rather than learning that whatever they want, they can have – if they only ask for it or wait a few minutes.
Adults don’t get to have whatever they want that they can see. I don’t want my kids to think that’s ok. After all we are raising them into adults aren’t we? Isn’t that the end goal? It happens no matter how well we prepare them for it. The world is full of adults who covet what others have, who compare themselves, and strive for those things. I’m aiming for different for my children.
Our instruction from God is not to covet. So important – it’s in His commandments. We need to teach this to our children. Your friend, or brother, or sister, or the kid at the mall play place does not need to give you a turn with whatever he is playing with just because you want it. Instead of telling a child who is playing with something that she needs to share, I tell the child with the covetous heart “Someone else is using that right now.” That child doesn’t need to cut short his interest or activity in something, because someone else came along and desired it as well. The second child can find something else to do; there are a million available toys and activities to choose from. I promise there will come a time when the coveted toy will be available. But he doesn’t need to hang around counting the minutes until that child is done, and I don’t need to set a timer or arbitrate how much time is enough. Teach children to be content with their available choices. You can not have what is in the possession of someone else.
If I love my friend’s new shoes, she doesn’t have to give them to me when she’s done wearing them. If I think my neighbor’s new grill is really cool, we don’t have to take turns using it. But, so many parents are stuck in “share and take turns”. Let’s raise the standard and ask more of our kids. I like to get to the heart of the matter. But, what about the heart of the kid who has the something the others want? Well, many times when kids have the choice rather than being forced, they choose to be thoughtful and are sooner “done” with that item someone else is hoping to see. We aren’t teaching them to be selfish but over and over again in many different ways to be generous, thoughtful, and respectful of others.
This emanates from other principles we teach. One is that we don’t leave anyone out. There is almost always a way to include others in what you are doing or playing. They can watch. You could offer to help them find another one to use. You can play together. There are actually very few times where only 1 child can actually play something. For instance you can’t play with the legos your brother is working with, but you can play with the other legos next to him. You can’t play with the baby doll your sister is taking care of right now, but you can find another baby doll and play with the babies together. You can’t hold the book someone else is reading right now, but maybe you could sit next to him and look at the pictures or ask if he would read it out loud to you. The answer might be “No”, but you can ask. We do our best to instill that if someone wants to be included in what you are playing then you find a way. We don’t accept claims that one child is playing with the entire tub of barbies or every lego in the bucket.
But for those times when a child is playing with something that truly is a one person item or activity, we respect that child by not requiring her to hand it over in five minutes because someone else wants it.
And for goodness sakes, if my toddler or preschooler comes over wanting to play with something your child is engaged with, please don’t tell your child to hand it over! I know you want to be seen as a “good parent” who teaches your child to share. But, I want my children to learn contentment rather than entitlement.
“You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. You shall not set your desire on your neighbor’s house or land, his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” Deuteronomy
“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” Philippians
Just Our First World Problems 