The foster parents who have been serving for decades and seen a hundred kids come through their door. The single mom who has fostered and adopted more kids than most think reasonable for a two parent family. Those are the foster families we hear about on the news and read about in the paper. And they definitely deserve the accolades. Those stories help shine a light on the world of foster care. They bring it to the forefront of people’s minds for a few days. Maybe some feel pulled to question whether it’s something they could do. But, after consideration they realize they could never do that. They can’t commit to the next 30 years. They don’t want 12 more kids. They just can’t do forever.
Guess what – most kids don’t need forever. You can decide to foster without signing the rest of your life away. You can do it “just for now”, or “just for a year”, or for “however long we last”. You can say “Yes” or “No” to any placement call, to any age, to any circumstance. You can call it quits at any time. Of course it’s better if you don’t jump ship in the middle of a placement. But you can give notice if necessary. Placements disrupt all the time for a myriad of reasons.
No matter how many children come into your home, you have an impact on each of them. By offering a child a safe place to stay, for whatever period of time, you have changed the world. Some children need you for a few weeks or months and some longer, and some will need forever. There is no way to know when a child comes into care what twists and turns that path will take. Maybe before too long he will move to a relative. Maybe she will be with you a year while a parent goes through a treatment program. Maybe he will return home in six months but be back in care a few months after that. Or maybe after two years parental rights will be terminated and she will need a forever family. That might be you or it may not be. Many foster families adopt the children in their care if it comes to that. But if you don’t feel you are that child’s future, then you aren’t the one to adopt. A better match can be made.
And therein lies the difficulty – there is no way to know. You just can’t know how long a child will be with you. A case worker or placement maker may give you a time frame. But, they don’t really know. They can’t. They don’t know when a missing relative will appear or a bio-dad be identified. They don’t know when a parent will disappear or fail a UI. They don’t know when a judge will make a totally different call than they recommended or was expected. You have to do this with an open hand and heart.
It can be galling to be reminded every single day that you are not the one in control. You are not the one that makes the decisions for these children in your care. If you have your own children at home as well this difference will be marked. For some of the kids you decide what is best for them and call every shot, while for others you need permission to cut their hair, let them jump on a trampoline, or go out of town for the weekend. You have to account to others for their bruises and their belongings. If you are desperate to add children into your family that stay forever, choosing this path will be tumultuous and without guarantee. Residing in that emotional state will make it very much more difficult for you.
Yet, for however long they are with you there is that much opportunity to work for good in their lives. We had a little five year old boy who stayed for only a long weekend. His first question for me after learning that I “had a man” at my house was “Does he wup kids?” He learned that Dads do not in fact need to ‘wup’ anyone, and he followed my husband around all weekend. We had a twelve year old girl for a few days who was amazed that I did not have to go to work but that the Dad did – and he gave me his money! That he worked and I took care of the kids at home was a revolutionary idea for her who grew up with a single working mom. We had a preschooler who learned that people go to work to get money to pay the bills. With parents on disability and welfare that was new territory for him. He checked in every day – “He went to work? He get money?” We took kids to the zoo who had never been there. We took kids to church who didn’t know what that was.
It’s always hard to jump into something not knowing what will happen or how it will turn out. But you can do it. In the end none of us is promised any day of our lives in this world anyway. Let these kids into your life for a season. You will show them things about the world that they don’t know. You will help them understand family, and safety, and trust. And it will be worth it, even if you only do it for awhile, or for one case. You don’t need to do it forever.
Just Our First World Problems 