The foster parents who have been serving for decades and seen a hundred kids come through their door.  The single mom who has fostered and adopted more kids than most think reasonable for a two parent family.  Those are the foster families we hear about on the news and read about in the paper.  And they definitely deserve the accolades.  Those stories help shine a light on the world of foster care.  They bring it to the forefront of people’s minds for a few days.  Maybe some feel pulled to question whether it’s something they could do.  But, after consideration they realize they could never do that.  They can’t commit to the next 30 years.  They don’t want 12 more kids.  They just can’t do forever.

Guess what – most kids don’t need forever.  You can decide to foster without signing the rest of your life away.  You can do it “just for now”,  or “just for a year”,  or for “however long we last”.  You can say “Yes” or “No” to any placement call, to any age, to any circumstance.  You can call it quits at any time.  Of course it’s better if you don’t jump ship in the middle of a placement. But you can give notice if necessary.  Placements disrupt all the time for a myriad of reasons.

No matter how many children come into your home, you have an impact on each of them. By offering a child a safe place to stay, for whatever period of time, you have changed the world.  Some children need you for a few weeks or months and some longer, and some will need forever.  There is no way to know when a child comes into care what twists and turns that path will take.  Maybe before too long he will move to a relative.  Maybe she will be with you a year while a parent goes through a treatment program.  Maybe he will return home in six months but be back in care a few months after that.  Or maybe after two years parental rights will be terminated and she will need a forever family.  That might be you or it may not be.  Many foster families adopt the children in their care if it comes to that.  But if you don’t feel you are that child’s future, then you aren’t the one to adopt.  A better match can be made.

And therein lies the difficulty – there is no way to know.  You just can’t know how long a child will be with you.  A case worker or placement maker may give you a time frame.  But, they don’t really know.  They can’t.  They don’t know when a missing relative will appear or a bio-dad be identified. They don’t know when a parent will disappear or fail a UI.  They don’t know when a judge will make a totally different call than they recommended or was expected.  You have to do this with an open hand and heart.

It can be galling to be reminded every single day that you are not the one in control.  You are not the one that makes the decisions for these children in your care.  If you have your own children at home as well this difference will be marked.  For some of the kids you decide what is best for them and call every shot, while for others you need permission to cut their hair, let them jump on a trampoline, or go out of town for the weekend.  You have to account to others for their bruises and their belongings.  If you are desperate to add children into your family that stay forever, choosing this path will be tumultuous and without guarantee.  Residing in that emotional state will make it very much more difficult for you.

Yet, for however long they are with you there is that much opportunity to work for good in their lives.  We had a little five year old boy who stayed for only a long weekend.  His first question for me after learning that I “had a man” at my house was “Does he wup kids?”  He learned that Dads do not in fact need to ‘wup’ anyone, and he followed my husband around all weekend.  We had a twelve year old girl for a few days who was amazed that I did not have to go to work but that the Dad did – and he gave me his money!  That he worked and I took care of the kids at home was a revolutionary idea for her who grew up with a single working mom.  We had a preschooler who learned that people go to work to get money to pay the bills.  With parents on disability and welfare that was new territory for him.  He checked in every day – “He went to work? He get money?”  We took kids to the zoo who had never been there.  We took kids to church who didn’t know what that was.

It’s always hard to jump into something not knowing what will happen or how it will turn out.  But you can do it.  In the end none of us is promised any day of our lives in this world anyway.  Let these kids into your life for a season.  You will show them things about the world that they don’t know.  You will help them understand family, and safety, and trust.  And it will be worth it, even if you only do it for awhile, or for one case.  You don’t need to do it forever.

…you are irritated that you have to potty train someone else’s 4 and 1/2 year old, because they didn’t get to it.

…it takes you a moment to remember the name of a kid that lives with you.

…you are so tired you realize you took a shower and forgot to use soap.

…you feel like you will never get to go on a date with your husband again.

…your 5 year old is instantly the third youngest instead of the baby. Wait, now make that the fourth youngest.

…you are suddenly in need of babysitters, because these kids can’t be left with your teenager.

…you realize after arriving at your children’s choir concert that your son has on suit pants 2 inches too short and is wearing mismatched black dress shoes. And you think “Oh well, they are lucky they got here at all.”

…you now have 7 twin beds instead of 3. So with 8 twin sheet sets, you are out of luck if 2 kids puke or wet their sheets on the same night.

…you aren’t told the toddlers living with you have recently been in the hospital for 2 weeks.

…the case worker makes a poor decision for a child that results in a later move.

…you don’t know a child is allergic to blueberries before you give her a fruit cup.

…you learn more from the therapist and showing up at court than you do from the case worker.

…you have to take 2 vehicles if everyone in the family needs to be at the same place at the same time.

…you are so tired of having cranky kids because the new ones wake yours up early every morning.

…you don’t know who they mean when they are crying for “Mommy” or “Daddy” since they call all four of you by those names.

.. plaster and lathe walls are a surprise to a teenager used to punching through drywall.

.. your child decides to take vitamin C morning and night so a foster sister won’t feel awkward taking her medications.

.. a whole big hullabaloo is caused by a mosquito bite, scratched until it bled.

.. you are holding one screaming child while your phone takes a voicemail about 5 more who need beds tonight.

.. you waste an hour waiting around for a relative to pick up a child for a visit.

.. you just have kids picked up and dropped off at your house instead of a neutral location, because today anyone can find your address on the internet anyway.

.. you can’t go for 20 minute walks around the block with your husband after kids are in bed anymore, because your oldest can’t babysit foster kids.

.. 8 sets of twin sheets is only enough to change 1 of the 7 twin beds at a time without having to wait for the laundry to get done before bedtime.

.. everybody wants to sit by and stand next to and play with the new kid.

.. you try to check a child in at the doctor’s office and realize you don’t know the birth date.

.. you drop a child off at daycare for the first time in your life.

.. you can’t remember what number you need when counting off kids.

.. you pray with a child at bedtime who doesn’t know what prayer is.

.. you don’t get to say goodbye.

.. you get to spend a lot more time than normal on facebook on your phone while you “ignore” a tantruming child at the sprayground.

.. you have to take a child you’ve only known for two days to the doctor for an examination of private parts.

.. you should google how to check for lice and buy a lice comb and treatment ahead of time so you don’t have to lose time looking it up and then running to the store with a bunch of kids.

.. all of a sudden a whole bunch of people have your phone number and you are talking every day to mom and grandma and dad and stepmom and transportation worker and doctor’s office and daycare and social worker and sometimes you mix up their names and which number on your call log belongs to who.

.. your kids have to be late to the park because they had to wait for someone to be done screaming about the bread on the sandwich for lunch.

.. you have to pull over in a parking lot and get out of your vehicle to talk on the phone to a worker for 30 minutes while your kids wait inside reading books.

.. you go to bed praying for five brothers and sisters you couldn’t take, because you’ve already got your hands full, who are likely spending the night at the shelter.