Parenting

Mamas It’s OK To Make It Easier!

justourfirstworldproblemsLeave a comment

Really, if daily life with your little treasures leaves you counting down until bedtime as soon as you get up, and one more trip to the store will send you to the crazy bin (or at least to the bathroom to eat your secret chocolate stash), then make it easier!  Raising your expectations will actually be better for those little people anyway.  I promise.

If you dread going to the store so much that you are considering just leaving catalogs in the bathroom when the toilet paper runs out, there is another option besides listening to “Can we get this?” a million times and the resulting whining and fussing when you answer in the negative.  Lovingly set a new expectation for your crew before the next grocery run.  Their expectation should be that nobody will get anything other than the things Mommy came to the store to get and your expectation that nobody will ask for anything. So have a discussion at the age level of your kiddos.  Explain that supplying the house and the people in it with the things they need within your means is part of your job, and you want to do it well and cheerfully.  It’s difficult to do that when you are continually distracted by children asking for things, and it’s no fun for you or them to have to say and hear “No” over and over.  It’s not really very polite or respectful to be asking for things. It’s a selfish focus. You want it to be a good time together for everyone, taking care of what needs to get done.  Of course, everyone can comment on things they see.

“Ooh, that looks neat Mommy.” “Yes, it does look like fun.”

“Look at that stuffed frog! I’ve been hoping to find a stuffed frog.” “He is cute. Maybe you will get one for your birthday.”

“This would go really well with my new skirt.” “You’re right, but it costs too much. Maybe we’ll see something like that for less. I’ll try to remember you are needing a top for that outfit and keep an eye out.”

Of course, sometimes you see something on sale or something you weren’t planning to get but which you are willing to purchase.  Then ask your child if they are interested in it or would like to get it!

“I see M&Ms are on sale. Would you guys like to get a bag to share when we get back to the van?”

With this expectation that children not ask for things at the store, most of your communication and interaction with them becomes positive!  They don’t expect anything, but occasionally they do get something new or a special treat you offer.  You are able to enjoy errand time spent with your little ones instead of pulling your hair out.  Plus you are training them in appropriate communication and social interaction.  Everything we teach our children is with the recognition that what we are actually doing is growing adults.

It might seem like a big struggle to implement this new expectation.  You just can’t imagine that your greedy little darlings will go for it.  It usually is hard initially to get things rolling in a different direction than the one already begun.  But, it won’t be as hard or take as long as you might think.  Especially if you have a conversation about it first, laying out the reasons and objectives at the age level of your kids rather than just making a new rule.  Sometimes they might forget and need a reminder that “It’s not very polite to ask for things at the store” or “It’s hard for Mommy to get her work done when you are asking for things”.  And initially, especially with young ones, you may have a lot of opportunities to model different things they could say instead. But, eventually they will get it – even toddlers and preschoolers!  And you will find that a lot of the time they just want you to acknowledge what they see that looks fun. “Look at that Mommy” easily replaces “Can I get that Mommy?” and avoids fussing and disappointment.  Your goal is building character in your kids, not just making rules. This sort of expectation for time in a store builds self-control and respect.

Setting higher expectations for your kids isn’t taking the easy way out.  It’s definitely not something you do just because it’s easier for you if grocery trips are more efficient. It does make your daily jobs smoother and more fun, but it’s a road that develops a stronger and more enjoyable relationship with your kids while better preparing them for life.  So, go ahead. Raise the bar.

 

 

Why My Kids Don’t Have To Share

justourfirstworldproblemsLeave a comment

I saw it again.  A well meaning parent. Two children. One wanted what the other one had. Grabbed for it. And the correction came for both of them. “You need to use words and ask nicely.”  “You need to share with your sister.”  It sounds good. But, that’s not the way the world works.

I gave up on “sharing” a long time ago.  I don’t set timers. My kid don’t take turns. I don’t have time to umpire that.  I’m busy. And I’d rather my children learned to be content instead.  To build patience, to be full of thought for others. Rather than learning that whatever they want, they can have – if they only ask for it or wait a few minutes.

Adults don’t get to have whatever they want that they can see.  I don’t want my kids to think that’s ok.  After all we are raising them into adults aren’t we? Isn’t that the end goal?  It happens no matter how well we prepare them for it.  The world is full of adults who covet what others have, who compare themselves, and strive for those things.  I’m aiming for different for my children.

Our instruction from God is not to covet. So important – it’s in His commandments. We need to teach this to our children.  Your friend, or brother, or sister, or the kid at the mall play place does not need to give you a turn with whatever he is playing with just because you want it.  Instead of telling a child who is playing with something that she needs to share, I tell the child with the covetous heart “Someone else is using that right now.”  That child doesn’t need to cut short his interest or activity in something, because someone else came along and desired it as well.  The second child can find something else to do; there are a million available toys and activities to choose from.  I promise there will come a time when the coveted toy will be available.  But he doesn’t need to hang around counting the minutes until that child is done, and I don’t need to set a timer or arbitrate how much time is enough.  Teach children to be content with their available choices.  You can not have what is in the possession of someone else.

If I love my friend’s new shoes, she doesn’t have to give them to me when she’s done wearing them.  If I think my neighbor’s new grill is really cool, we don’t have to take turns using it.  But, so many parents are stuck in “share and take turns”.  Let’s raise the standard and ask more of our kids.  I like to get to the heart of the matter.  But, what about the heart of the kid who has the something the others want?  Well, many times when kids have the choice rather than being forced, they choose to be thoughtful and are sooner “done” with that item someone else is hoping to see.  We aren’t teaching them to be selfish but over and over again in many different ways to be generous, thoughtful, and respectful of others.

This emanates from other principles we teach. One is that we don’t leave anyone out. There is almost always a way to include others in what you are doing or playing.  They can watch. You could offer to help them find another one to use. You can play together.  There are actually very few times where only 1 child can actually play something. For instance you can’t play with the legos your brother is working with, but you can play with the other legos next to him. You can’t play with the baby doll your sister is taking care of right now, but you can find another baby doll and play with the babies together.  You can’t hold the book someone else is reading right now, but maybe you could sit next to him and look at the pictures or ask if he would read it out loud to you.  The answer might be “No”, but you can ask.  We do our best to instill that if someone wants to be included in what you are playing then you find a way. We don’t accept claims that one child is playing with the entire tub of barbies or every lego in the bucket.

But for those times when a child is playing with something that truly is a one person item or activity, we respect that child by not requiring her to hand it over in five minutes because someone else wants it.

And for goodness sakes, if my toddler or preschooler comes over wanting to play with something your child is engaged with, please don’t tell your child to hand it over! I know you want to be seen as a “good parent” who teaches your child to share.  But, I want my children to learn contentment rather than entitlement.

“You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. You shall not set your desire on your neighbor’s house or land, his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” Deuteronomy

“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” Philippians 

 

Congratulations for What?

justourfirstworldproblemsLeave a comment

A therapist who administered a language test to my preschooler was super impressed when he scored way above his age level. She excitedly congratulated me (and him).   As if he had achieved something great. Worthy of congratulations.   Then I received the same reaction when another child scored several grade levels above her age on a standardized assessment.  “Good work.”  “That’s awesome.”  “Way to go.”  Wait a second.  I needed to think about these apparently amazing accomplishments of my kids.

This praise just wasn’t ringing true.  Exactly what was I being congratulated for?  Because I made kids who had an easy time of it with academic pursuits?  Really? Because their brains are wired such that memorizing and math and reading come without any striving?  These “achievements” took absolutely no work on their part.  They hadn’t made any particular effort to get these results.  They hadn’t grown in patience or perseverance, hadn’t had to overcome frustration or deal with anything challenging. They were asked to answer a bunch of questions, and they did. Good job for following directions?  It appears the reactions of the adults involved were way out of proportion to the effort put forth by the child.  Are the results all that matter?  If you score high are you the best?  If you are born with a brain particularly suited to school learning are you more valuable?  Seems to me that was the message unconsciously being delivered.

I don’t want my kids thinking all they have to do is show up and everyone’s impressed.  I love when they are recognized for things that really matter.  Like sticking with something when it’s hard.  Like keeping self control and being respectful.  Or obeying cheerfully right away.  Being responsible for their own things and their own messes.  These things are praise worthy!  These are things that bless people around you and bring glory to God.

Can’t we honor the Lord in those areas where he has blessed us with ability?  Of course.  Everyone has more aptitude in certain skills than others.  In our house we talk a lot about how different things are easier or harder for each of us.  For some learning is easy, but gymnastics is hard.  For others singing on tune and beat is easy but reading is super challenging.  For one carrying things without spilling or dropping them is tough but numbers are easy peasy.  God created each one different. And that’s more than ok. It’s good.  But, the children who are gifted in other areas have never received overwhelming congratulations by impressed adults for violin or gymnastics!  This reaction sort of stopped me in my tracks.  I smiled without replying at the time but needed to stop and think through what was going on.

What I am gathering from our experiences is that school learning or academics are singled out and highly valued in our society.  In a kid’s world, school is their job.  And it is important for every single one of them to do their job with diligence and perseverance and respect.  But, for some of them not much is required for stellar results.  And for others it’s blood, sweat, and tears for what is recognized as average.  The emphasis placed on this area of skill is way beyond reasonable.  In many cases a child’s feelings of worth and value are built around “success” or “failure” at school since that’s the focus of most of their time and energy each day.  This isn’t solid rock we are assigning their futures by. This is shifting sand.  It’s all based on comparison to others – where those who have a natural ability always come out on top.  Most of the time they need put forth only minimal effort to receive approval and recognition far outstripping the real value of what they have achieved.

I grew up in this false facade of recognition for what comes easily but didn’t recognize it until I saw my children receiving accolades for nothing.  I guess I lucked out to naturally excel in the one area that garners the most praise and affirmation for kids.  School learning was easy for me and for my siblings and was expected to be so by my university professor parents.  Looking back now, I am coming to realize that I probably knew not all the kids got straight ‘A’s but assumed that meant they just hadn’t put forth the effort to do so.

Even as an adult, until parenting children with such differing abilities, I never realized how much work it takes for some to get to where others start out at.  I wonder how many parents are out there whose kids all excel at learning the ABCs and counting.  If you don’t have any whose brains are wired differently than those unrealized assumptions might be there for you, too.  Assuming that children who struggle in school just aren’t trying hard enough or spending enough time on home work. Or they are just trouble makers.  Or they don’t have the proper home support. Or they just needed more exposure to books or educational activities as preschoolers.  Or their socioeconomic status is impacting their school work.  That by fixing these other things you can turn them into whiz kids.

I’m not saying those issues aren’t sometimes part of the struggle or don’t sometimes improve educational outcomes when addressed.  I am saying that our family clearly shows that children within the same family environment, income, values, teaching, resources, educational experiences and opportunities can have widely different academic results. Because that’s how they were created with brains wired from birth to excel and struggle in different areas.  No matter how hard they work at it or how much support they are given, some children just aren’t going to ever be at the top of academic assessments or evaluations. The point is –  that’s OK.

My children that struggle with reading and math and learning in general are putting in such hard work. Regardless of their “scores,” they are doing Good work.  They are learning the very hard lessons of working cheerfully at what is tough and no fun, persevering when you are frustrated and feel hopeless, and finally accomplishing something hard and recognizing that you Can do it.  And what applause do they get?  Not much out in the world. Not at school where their grades aren’t exemplary.  Never been “congratulated” by a teacher or therapist for flying through an assessment with no preparation and receiving high scores.  Are these children Less because they easily learn cartwheels and violin songs rather than times tables and vocabulary?  Are the other ones Better?  I don’t know anybody who would say that directly.  But, the reality is this is the message a lot of children are getting.  And it can impact them for the rest of their lives.

So let’s just try to take a step back and think about what exactly we are praising and affirming kids for.  This has been a complete turn around in thinking for me.  I am sure that is one reason God placed each of our children into this family.  When I see the good things being worked out in the lives of my children who have to struggle so young,  I sometimes wish that I had needed to start learning some of these lessons sooner in life – perseverance, self control, diligence – rather than receiving applause for nothing and having to learn the important things as an adult.

Even when you know your foundation is Christ, when you graduate from high school at 16 and college at 19 it’s easy for your identity to be wrapped up in being good at school.  The farther away I get from those days, and the farther into parenting I go, the more I see what really matters.  The bottom line is (while it seems to matter a lot in this world), academics don’t matter in God’s economy.  He doesn’t barter with grades and scores. He deals in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.  One area of natural ability shouldn’t be seen as better than any others.  We all have things God has designed us to be good at and not so good at.

What does matter is how we use those things.  Whether we are developing character qualities that grow us more like Christ. Whether we are serving God’s people and honoring Him with those gifts He gave us, in all things whether easy or hard.

I was only his 4th Mommy

justourfirstworldproblemsLeave a comment

For four months I tried to teach him numbers and colors.  Not much success.  But he knew how to use my hammer, drill, and screwdriver.  The most enthusiastic battery-changer I ever met.

We worked on cutting, coloring, and writing.  His age indicated he should start kindergarten this summer.  But he was so far behind in life; that seemed impossible.  His sister, two years younger, passed him up easily.

I taught him how to use the toilet.  He was very proud of that and his big boy undies.  One thing he could teach and model for his little sisters.

When he came, he didn’t know how to jump.  I think that one hits me the hardest.  When he left we were still working on alternating feet going up the stairs.  Repeatedly I corrected his infantile speech patterns all day long.  Improvement came at the speed of molasses.

He was the best, most cheerful helper a Mom could wish.  Dish washing, laundry chores, floor cleaning, table wiping.  Happy just to be near, feeling secure in my presence.  Such a sweetheart. Yet, sometimes, and for some activities, a Mom requires a door closed between herself and a constant shadow.

His favorite thing in the world was to be outside. And if that wasn’t possible, to be fixing something.  Whatever direction his life takes he will surely grow into a very handy man.

When anxiety over took him, for every reason or no reason, he was different.  Withdrawn, unable to interact or participate. Filled with some feeling that could only be relieved by vomiting.  Although his anxiety surrounding attachment, separation, and correction improved as he learned to trust us, anxiety about eating and drinking worsened and consumed him.

Every day was a race to put more calories in him, or his feeding tube, than he threw up.  One unending trauma over the need to take in sustenance.  Neither he, nor we, could maintain that.  His medical needs were greater than our family could meet.

And so he left. To meet his fifth Mommy.  Who has decades of experience with children who have feeding tubes and trachs and wheelchairs.

He still couldn’t color or count or talk right.  But, he could sing Jesus Loves Me.  And he used words instead of hitting or kicking or biting when he didn’t like something.  He had learned how to follow directions and say “Sorry”.  He could accept a consequence without screaming his head off.  He learned that the parents take care of the kids and people go to work to make money.  He could tell you our job was to keep him safe and his job was to stay with us.

He grew so much in things that matter more than kindergarten readiness.  Hopefully things that will make a difference for him the rest of his life, wherever else he goes.

“..when you are done with therapy..”

justourfirstworldproblems1 Comment

Today I glanced into the future, felt sadness pulling, formed a reply and quickly ducked back out, leaving unknowns to simmer until they rise again into the here and now.  Life is busy rolling daily by. Four kids, two dogs who escape when the roofers don’t latch the gate, new gymnastics skills to practice on the bed and over the couch, cleaning and laundry and errands…  And this morning it all stopped for an instant, for a comment meant to be helpful, from a sister to a brother.

A little brother who mentioned learning to crochet – like one older sister knows how and the other plans to learn.  A little boy who hopes to be included in any activity and doesn’t yet recognize that sometimes that may be more difficult for him than for others.  The encouraging sister replied, “Maybe when you’re older bud, or at least when you are done with therapy so your hands don’t shake anymore.” And my heart sank.  The future, that unknown, had sifted through, if ever so briefly.  I needed a reply, truthful, yet filled with hope rather than discouragement, but not hiding behind what might not be.

I struggled as so many different thoughts crammed in, grasped for words as that sweet face processed what he had just been thrown.  And the older one moved on, not realizing the potential anguish she had just glanced upon.  Because “done with therapy” and “hands don’t shake anymore” may never come to pass.  Because that is the one bothersome detail that they don’t really work on at therapy.  Because they can’t, really.  They can try to help accommodate by teaching strategies to accomplish a certain fine motor task or offering the use of wrist weights to help steady hands for a short time.  They can work on balance and pincer grasp and keeping your tongue behind your teeth when speaking (Always behind the teeth – except for ‘th’!).  But, resolving shaky hands is not one of his goals.  I hadn’t realized that his sisters (and maybe he?) expected that would improve.

Just as I didn’t know they were expecting a point in time when therapy is “done”.  That day may yet come. Or maybe not.  Therapy is just something we do. Like other families do volleyball or Boy Scouts. When it all began, just before he turned 1 year old, all the professionals spoke as though he only needed a little extra help meeting mile stones and would be caught up in six months.  Then another six months.  After a couple years I noted with a falling heart when the wording changed before therapy breaks from “if he needs to come back” to “when he comes back…”.  That night I cried as my husband tried to understand why I was upset. (He’s the same as he was yesterday. You are crying because somebody used different words?)  Now we have been at the “new” therapy place over a year. The longest we have gone without taking a break.  No matter how I ask, the therapists won’t give their expectation or guess on his progress and length of time for treatment.  I recognize they can’t. They don’t know.  None of us know.

And for the most part it doesn’t matter.  He likes going to therapy. I like his therapists.  Two and a half hours a week is not a big deal.  It hasn’t always been a smooth ride, but he has made some great progress because of therapy.  I am thankful for the place he now attends (along with two of his sisters).  When will we be done is not something that rises to the top often as we roll through each day.  Many people would meet him and not even recognize that he has any special needs.  I am thankful his issues are mild while knowing many parents whose kids attend his therapy center can’t say the same.

But, today I looked up from ‘now’ and glanced ahead.  I saw that each year he grows older he may more often encounter times when someone discourages him from doing or trying something that might be extra challenging for him.  There will be more times when he might feel different or left out or frustrated.  I saw that as his parents we will have to purpose to encourage him to do anything he wants to try (that is appropriate for his age), even if it might be tricky or slow or hard for us to watch those shaky hands that knock down the pieces when they mean to set them up.  And I felt sadness pushing in.

I know God holds me, and he holds my son. He holds my sadness.  He alone knows what that future looks like.  And He created my child. He created him perfectly, and He gave him to us.  I can rest in that. So I glanced back away from the future and back into the four pairs of eyes surrounding me at the table.  And I took a breath and said, “Well that’s not really something they can work on at therapy. But when you are older you can learn to crochet if you want to.”  And the dogs needed to go out. And children needed to finish eating and get ready for church. And life rolled on.

Psalm 139: 13-14

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

 

You should know: My Kids Take Questions at Face Value

justourfirstworldproblems1 Comment

A note to all teachers, therapists, leaders, friends’ parents, and other adults who interact with my kids.  Their experience in our family has taught them to take questions at face value.  They expect their answer to be given consideration. As I’m sure do you when asked a question.

If you had a lunch date with a friend who asked  “Should we eat at Taco Bell for lunch?” and you answered “No, I don’t want to today” you would be taken aback to hear “Well, let’s go there”.  Wouldn’t it seem kind of rude that it was posed as a question when your answer clearly didn’t matter? If your friend had simply stated, “I’m planning to go to Taco Bell. Would you care to join me?”   That would have better clarified her intent.  As adults we expect when answering a question that our answer will be respected.

But, adults do this to kids all the time.

“Go put your shoes on, ok?”

“Don’t you think you should get ready for bed now?”

“Will you please start picking up?”

“How about we do this next?

They ask a question when they meant to give a direction.  Most think it somehow sounds or is ‘nicer’.   But it isn’t, not really.  It’s not respectful to ask a question when there isn’t really a choice.  Then when the child’s answer doesn’t match up with your intent there’s a problem. This teaches kids that their input doesn’t matter.  And it doesn’t really feel good either.  It just confuses the situation for the child and sets up a lot of battles.  Because the child doesn’t know when their answer counts and when it doesn’t, when they get to talk about it and when they just need to follow directions.

There are lot of times when the child does have a choice when answering a question.

“Do you want to wear the pink dress or the flower dress today?”

“Do you want to go to the park after lunch?”

“Would you like grape jam or strawberry jam on your sandwich?”

“Do you want me to read that book to you?”

You wouldn’t ask those questions if the answer was already decided. If the answer was “grape jam” you wouldn’t respond “Well, everybody gets strawberry.”  How are children to know what to expect when sometimes their answer are valid and sometimes they aren’t taken into account?   Sometimes they get to have a discussion about the issue in question, and sometimes they get in trouble for their answer!   It isn’t respectful to ask a question when you don’t really mean it.

I am so thankful that as young marrieds without any kids we had a great example of this placed right in front of us.  At the home of friends, the mom asked her two year old, “Will you please throw this away for me?” and got a resounding “No!” as he continued past. Not being familiar yet with toddlers, I was not expecting his refusal and felt awkward that she would now have to take time out to make him obey.  But instead, she laughed and said something to the effect of, “Oops, my fault. I asked him!” and continued on with her conversation with us.  Until just a few minutes later he came through the room again, and she said in the same voice as the first time, “Here, go put this in the trash.” To which his cheerful reply was “Ok”, and he complied!  I was astonished.  Total about face.  No battle, no problem. She gave him an instruction, and he obeyed.  When she asked him a question, she respected his answer. Simple.  But, a concept that was totally new to me and has shaped our parenting to this day. We took note of that incident and held onto it tight until we had children and could put it into practice ourselves.

So my kids expect to have input when asked a question.  If you really mean to give them an instruction, then please just direct them what to do.  Don’t pretend they have a choice in the matter when they don’t.  Parents, Sunday school teachers, therapists, babysitters, it’s ok to give directions without tacking a question mark on the end of it.  It’s actually more respectful that way.  That “ok?” on the end of a direction drives me nuts!  I hear it all the time.  It’s easy; you can do this! No question mark needed.

“Go put your shoes on.”

“Get ready for bed now.”

“Please start picking up.”

“We will do this activity next.”

And kids will know what to expect. And they won’t feel steamrolled, because their answer wasn’t given weight.

I have seen my kids confused because they were asked a question but were expected to do differently than their answer.  Please respect them and all kids you work with by making a statement when you mean to give a direction and asking a question when you would like to know their preference.  That’s just respectful.

Thank you.