A note to all teachers, therapists, leaders, friends’ parents, and other adults who interact with my kids. Their experience in our family has taught them to take questions at face value. They expect their answer to be given consideration. As I’m sure do you when asked a question.
If you had a lunch date with a friend who asked “Should we eat at Taco Bell for lunch?” and you answered “No, I don’t want to today” you would be taken aback to hear “Well, let’s go there”. Wouldn’t it seem kind of rude that it was posed as a question when your answer clearly didn’t matter? If your friend had simply stated, “I’m planning to go to Taco Bell. Would you care to join me?” That would have better clarified her intent. As adults we expect when answering a question that our answer will be respected.
But, adults do this to kids all the time.
“Go put your shoes on, ok?”
“Don’t you think you should get ready for bed now?”
“Will you please start picking up?”
“How about we do this next?
They ask a question when they meant to give a direction. Most think it somehow sounds or is ‘nicer’. But it isn’t, not really. It’s not respectful to ask a question when there isn’t really a choice. Then when the child’s answer doesn’t match up with your intent there’s a problem. This teaches kids that their input doesn’t matter. And it doesn’t really feel good either. It just confuses the situation for the child and sets up a lot of battles. Because the child doesn’t know when their answer counts and when it doesn’t, when they get to talk about it and when they just need to follow directions.
There are lot of times when the child does have a choice when answering a question.
“Do you want to wear the pink dress or the flower dress today?”
“Do you want to go to the park after lunch?”
“Would you like grape jam or strawberry jam on your sandwich?”
“Do you want me to read that book to you?”
You wouldn’t ask those questions if the answer was already decided. If the answer was “grape jam” you wouldn’t respond “Well, everybody gets strawberry.” How are children to know what to expect when sometimes their answer are valid and sometimes they aren’t taken into account? Sometimes they get to have a discussion about the issue in question, and sometimes they get in trouble for their answer! It isn’t respectful to ask a question when you don’t really mean it.
I am so thankful that as young marrieds without any kids we had a great example of this placed right in front of us. At the home of friends, the mom asked her two year old, “Will you please throw this away for me?” and got a resounding “No!” as he continued past. Not being familiar yet with toddlers, I was not expecting his refusal and felt awkward that she would now have to take time out to make him obey. But instead, she laughed and said something to the effect of, “Oops, my fault. I asked him!” and continued on with her conversation with us. Until just a few minutes later he came through the room again, and she said in the same voice as the first time, “Here, go put this in the trash.” To which his cheerful reply was “Ok”, and he complied! I was astonished. Total about face. No battle, no problem. She gave him an instruction, and he obeyed. When she asked him a question, she respected his answer. Simple. But, a concept that was totally new to me and has shaped our parenting to this day. We took note of that incident and held onto it tight until we had children and could put it into practice ourselves.
So my kids expect to have input when asked a question. If you really mean to give them an instruction, then please just direct them what to do. Don’t pretend they have a choice in the matter when they don’t. Parents, Sunday school teachers, therapists, babysitters, it’s ok to give directions without tacking a question mark on the end of it. It’s actually more respectful that way. That “ok?” on the end of a direction drives me nuts! I hear it all the time. It’s easy; you can do this! No question mark needed.
“Go put your shoes on.”
“Get ready for bed now.”
“Please start picking up.”
“We will do this activity next.”
And kids will know what to expect. And they won’t feel steamrolled, because their answer wasn’t given weight.
I have seen my kids confused because they were asked a question but were expected to do differently than their answer. Please respect them and all kids you work with by making a statement when you mean to give a direction and asking a question when you would like to know their preference. That’s just respectful.
Thank you.
Just Our First World Problems 